Although Telstar Logistics endeavors always to remain nonpartisan, an urgent matter has come to our attention that may have significant bearing upon the future of the American republic — and indeed the very survival of the entire human race. Fellow citizens, there is reason to believe that Barack Obama may be an instrument of a hostile foreign power. Specifically, Barack Obama could be a sleeper agent for the Borg.
Yes, you read that correctly. You probably know that during this presidential campaign, allegations have been raised — falsely —that Barack Obama is an Islamist who once attended a madrassa. Other whispers have charged — again, falsely —that Obama refuses to recite the American Pledge of Allegiance. Likewise, investigations into his youthful drug use have found little smoke and no fire. Still unanswered, however, is the question of whether Barack Obama is a puppet of the Borg, a collectivist hive of cybernetically enhanced humanoids from a distant galaxy.
How is this possible? Back up to 2004, when Barack Obama first emerged on the national stage. He was a member of the Illinois state legislature at the time, until he decided to make a run for the United States Senate. Obama secured the Democratic nomination, but heading into the general election, he faced a formidable opponent in the form of Republican nominee Jack Ryan, a millionaire investment banker.
Now, back up again to 1997. That was the year when a new character joined the cast of Star Trek: Voyager. The new member of the Voyager crew was a human woman named Seven of Nine who had previously been assimilated by the Borg. Following her rescue by Voyager, Seven regained her human individuality, although she also retained some Borg cybernetic implants — as well as latent sympathies for the Borg's radical collectivist ideology. This composite photo shows Seven as she looked while she was a member of the Borg collective (left) and her appearance after she regained her human individuality (right):
And who was Seven of Nine? She was played by none other than Jeri Ryan, Jack Ryan's wife until the couple divorced in 1999.
Pay attention here, because this is where things get interesting. Jeri Ryan's Wikipedia page explains:
Although [Jeri] Ryan mentioned that the frequent separations had been difficult for the marriage, the reasons for the divorce were kept sealed at their mutual request.
Five years later, when Jack Ryan's Senate campaign began, the Chicago Tribune newspaper and WLS-TV, the local ABC affiliate, sought to have the records released. Both Jeri and Jack agreed to make their divorce records public, but not the custody records, claiming that their release could be harmful to their son.
On June 22, 2004, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Robert Schnider agreed to release the custody files; the decision generated much controversy because it went against both parents' direct request and because it generally reversed the early decision to seal the papers in the best interest of the child. It was revealed that, six years previously, Jeri had accused Jack Ryan of asking her to perform sexual acts with him in public, and in adult clubs in New York, New Orleans, and Paris. Jeri Ryan described one as "a bizarre club with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling." Jack Ryan denied these allegations. Although Jeri Ryan refused to comment on the matter during the campaign, the document disclosure led Jack Ryan to withdraw his Republican candidacy for an open United States Senate seat in Illinois (which was eventually won by Barack Obama). [emphasis added]
Convenient, isn't it? The candidacy of Barack Obama's leading opponent implodes thanks to a tawdry sex scandal involving a former Borg drone... which makes Obama a shoe-in for the Illinois Senate seat... which catapults him into the national spotlight... which sets up his bid for the presidency of the United States of America. It's all so simple. So very elegant. So very much like the kind of conspiracy one might expect to come from a freedom-hating alien hive-mind motivated by the quest for total perfection.
It's unknown if Barack Obama is aware of his potential role as an agent of Borg domination. Yet his consciousness of these circumstances does nothing to diminish the danger we all may face should this alien plot reach its full fruition. We only hope that representatives from the mainstream media will properly investigate these facts to ascertain the scope and magnitude of any intergalactic threat to American values that we may soon face.
Resistance is futile.
We report.
You decide.
UPDATE, 24 November, 2008:
Wow. It happened. Barack Obama will be our next president. We're thrilled, although it's bizarre to consider that were it not for the Borg, he might never have landed his first major job on the national political stage. Perfection, indeed.
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